


Alone Again

by avengercastiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Freeform, Grieving Dean Winchester, M/M, Pain, Short One Shot, post-13x01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-06-06 20:42:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15203066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avengercastiel/pseuds/avengercastiel
Summary: After Castiel's death in 12x23, Dean is grieving. A lot.





	Alone Again

**Author's Note:**

> This is a pretty short piece of angst I have written quite quickly.

Dean lay alone in the dark. He was in his bedroom, trying to sleep and failing. This had happened so many times since Cas died that he had lost count. The darkness and the isolation was suffocating him but he couldn’t do anything, so he let it overwhelm him.

Every time he tried to close his eyes all he saw was Cas being stabbed in the chest by Lucifer, with his eyes bright as his grace died. It was blinding, but Dean couldn’t have looked away as he was paralysed with shock. Then Cas’ dead body, with his broken wings imprinted onto the ground. Then Cas burning. Dean still remembered the heat, but he didn’t want to move away, even though Sam encouraged him to leave. 

Dean used to struggle to sleep before anyway. He would think of everyone he knew that had died because of him. Because he wasn’t good enough to save them. Because he let down everyone he loved. Mom, Dad, Sammy and now Cas. Everyone he ever gave a damn about.

“I’m poison, Sam. People get close to me, they get killed. Or worse.” Dean remembered saying that to Sam. And he was right. Every single thing he did just proved that. Dean had driven Crowley to make the sacrifice play because he encouraged him to be more human. 

Nights like these, when Cas was in the bunker, he would come and sit with Dean. He would watch over him, making sure he slept well. On occasion, when he had full power, he would knock Dean out so he could get a decent sleep for once. Dean wasn’t sure when that went further, when he first kissed Cas (or Cas had kissed him… it was a long time ago) and then Cas would lay with him, holding Dean until he went to sleep. Sometimes, Dean could have sworn he felt a light tickle of a feather brush against his cheek.

Now all Dean had was pictures and on old angel blade. He burned the trench coat with Cas, because it seemed only right that he kept it in death. Sometimes Dean looked through the few pictures he had and felt the pain in his chest and the lump in his throat tighten. They were all taken when Cas wasn’t looking, but they used to make Dean smile. Now, as much as Dean tried to stop it, he felt tears flow down his face.

First was a picture taken during the Apocalypse. Cas looked different then, like he had hope they would win. He remembered how Cas never understood any references he made, how he got addicted to burgers, how he was sometimes confused by human customs. Dean remembered having to explain everything to him. He even remembered making Cas a burger one time, to see if he liked it more than the ones he bought by the hundreds. In response he got a wide smile, a gentle kiss and a request to cook more food. Dean had stopped cooking since Cas died as he didn’t have the energy.

Then there was the picture when Cas was human. It was taken when Cas wasn’t looking, but was enjoying some PB and J. Dean loved how relaxed he was in the picture, slumped against one of the kitchen worktops and holding his beloved sandwich to his mouth. It was unsettling to see him without the trench coat, but Dean welcomed the change. 

Finally, there was a picture of Cas with Charlie, both laughing together, when they were celebrating Sam having ‘destroyed’ the Book of the Damned. That night was one of the best of Dean’s life, not that it was hard. Cas had stayed with him, and held him until he slept. Dean fell asleep feeling safe, which was incredibly rare, knowing that Cas would never let anything happen to him. Dean realised he loved him that night but he never said anything. Even when Cas thought he was going to die and told Dean he loved him. Now Dean regretted it more than anything.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if this upset you. My tumblr is rebel-castiel if you wanna come scream at me.


End file.
